Do you ever feel like a small dot on a limitless Monet painting that outstretches to infinity? I mean, in a way, that’s what we are. But the only difference is that we are constantly changing ourselves and those around us. It’s like one minute I am pastel purple, and the next I’m bright orange. And depending on my mood, I can turn someone close to me fuchsia, or baby blue, or sea-foam green. I think this awareness really caused a creative awakening within me.
I was just minding my own business when someone started existing in my vicinity. That’s really all it took. Some person having their own experiences, their own feelings so vastly different than mine with their lifeline traveling in so foreign to me. Yet somehow it crosses my path, and out again before I could even register it. If you think about the many people that just barely cross your path, it would blow your mind. The people standing in front or behind you in the grocery store checkout line have whole lives. They’ve experienced love... and loss... or maybe not. And yet their stories are still so interesting but no one thinks anything of it... until someone thinks of it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but how often do we ‘behold’?
Theatre was one of the first instances that made me aware that people “behold” in real time. You can hear them react. You can feel their presence as a whole. Not just an individual dot but a clump, a mass. It’s a fucking wave of energy that ebbs and flows with you and lifts you up so high and drops you down. Into a bottomless pit until you realize you haven’t even dropped below the exosphere. Gravity takes hold but it comforts you because you’re not alone.
I used to be afraid of my own emotions because I thought I was the only one that had them. People tend to silence their own feelings to function properly in the world, and that wasn’t how I functioned. I needed release. And I found that through the community I have found. That I built. That I nurtured and cared for and grew. The community I used to touch with my hands and my heart. The community I now see through a computer screen. I now cling to their garbled frozen Zoom words. My internet connection may be unstable but even seeing these frozen faces on my screen is enough to stabilize me.
Sometimes I fall in love with moments. I even take a screenshot so I can remember them in detail.
The way the heads are positioned in spacial relationship to each other.
A smile, mid laughter.
A hand covering a face so full of hilarity that it needs to be contained.
How do we preserve these moments in their entirety? How do we encapsulate the feelings we share? The only way that I've come close is through art. So that's what I do.